forever lover:

(her and this rediculously nice camera
that managed to fall into my hands for awhile)

Where the hell is the happy trail pride?

I'm pretty much over worrying about it (thankgoodnesswhatawasteofenergy)

end of december

A couple of weeks ago I had a dream that someone asked me how old I was and I just couldn't figure it out.
I responded with 24 but that sounded all wrong..... am I 25?
I honestly had no clue, I didn't even guess the right age. I was confused but all the numbers sounded insignificant to my ears.
It was one of the most refreshing dreams I've ever woken up to. Even my subconscious has no idea where age lays.

So much is changing, I don't fear the past or the future. I don't fear where I currently am in my life in conjunction to my age.
I can't wait for 2011, the opportunities are swirling around me and I'm diving in head first.

See you in the Spring.

Dear Seattle,

We've been through so much together, sometimes you were great and sometimes I felt like filling for a separation.
It's time to start making serious plans on leaving you even though huge parts of me will always be here.


goodbye:



hello:

remember when I used to stand on the sidelines and watch the madness, or hang in the dark and take your shit?
no more.

no more bi-polar behavior, no more telling me I'm all you want, no more feeling ashamed of myself, no more second guessing, no more lies.

it's all out in the open now.

socoldcoldcold.

Lots of change these days: done with school, started my extern and finally have a steady job. Combine the two and I'm looking at 60+ hour work weeks. There was too much stand still in my life before so stretching my days and squeezing in as much as possible feels good. Sleep deprivation has always been my friend, maybe I don't need to hibernate this winter?

Speaking of winter, today was the first snow of the season. If you ever want to see what blissful Micaila looks like stick a cup of coffee in her hand with and Ashley at her side and walk the two of them down broadway as the snow falls. It's a fuzzy feeling that I rarely get to experience.

Something else happened that was amazing. Life is good but I have few outlets and only work to throw myself into.
But Ashley and I agreed to get a practice space! And with that, we finally decided to start a new band.
Thankfuckingchrist! I need it, and I think Ashley and I were meant to screw around in a dingy room and call it music.

A: What instrument do you want to play?
M: I dunno, who cares? Let's switch it up.
A: Yeah! And I have a keyboard so we don't even need a third person.

That's the spirit.
Tour next year, be there!

let's get our hands dirty.

http://www.formspring.me/micsassaila

weights are being lifted off of my shoulders, and I have amazing things to look forward to. but I still crave companionship.

Look at October go.

shit's about to get real starting next week.
I got my extern all figured out, I'm done with school in three weeks and couldn't be more horrified to work on actual paying patients. Bright side: Bonnie (pretty much my other mother) got me the hook up and the Dr is super nice.

I also FINALLY got a new job, and being that pretty much the only job offers I've gotten in the past year was that of the adult industry I'm pretty thrilled. (Not that I have any problem with being part of the industry again but I can do other things aswell!) The new situation isn't just "a job", but working for a company and brand I love and believe in. AllSaints makes amazing clothes, from women's casuals, to menswear, to *gasp* dresses I want to wear! I definitely haven't been able to say that about any brand in a looong time.

Second bright side: Quitting Cleos, it's been great (and terrible at times) and I have to be thankful because that job kept a roof over my head, but goddamn am I ready to leave it after 3 years.

Third bright side:
I start AllSaints on Monday and HOLY FUCK do they hook you up with swag, I haven't gone "shopping shopping" in almost 2 years. And while that's good in some ways because over consumerism is ridiculous and a real problem in America, I want new clothes and I want them now.


So the next three weeks are going to be insane because I'll be going to school from 1-5, finishing all of my senior checkoff (fml) and then going straight to work from 6-midnight to help set up the store. My head may explode, but shit I'll look good when it happens.

(thank you)

saturday night injuries.

I never bruise and I've been covered with them lately, bruises and scrapes.

last night:
micaila, arm wrestling on the sidewalk in shorts WILL lead to skinned knees.
it will also lead to random strangers circling around you placing bets on who's going to win (it turned into plaid vs. booty) I'm sure you can guess which one was me.

last saturday:
catching up with shawn while at the mercury will make you think you're an amazing dancer (because everyone there was AWEFUL) and will result with a stiletto shaped bruise on your left foot and a giant bruise covering the entire top of your right foot. thanks for the ssouvenir shawn.

saturday before last:
pink panty droppers won't make me drop my drawers, but they sure as hell will encourage me to sport a gun holster and wrestle on a hard concrete floor. I haven't had bruised knees in years.

eight

Cat Duet - Boys Choir

love it. go ahead, call me a dyke.

counting down.

Such a shitty week ahead, 3 finals and never a day off.
Oh well, come next week I'm a senior and of no significance to you.


more hip-hop and more jackalopes please.

Food For Thought.

It turns out, that the U.S. is the #1 trash-producing country in the world at 1,609 pounds per person per year. This means that 5% of the world’s people generate 40% of the world’s waste. Just in organic garbage alone, every year, each American throws out about 1,200 pounds of garbage that could be composted.

september

((less big words & more
exclamation marks))

My little body is bursting at the seams with excitement.

I should be more focused on school but I'm burning out and couldn't be more thankful of whoever put these rose-colored glasses on me.

Straighten that spine, get back in line.

You know when people look so sad and there's nothing behind their eyes?
That's the worst feeling because I know there is nothing I can do, but I always wish there was.



I'm going to go sweat more buckets in my sleep now, it's never ending.

now, now

I cannot get them out of my head.
<3<3<3

082510

shit always hits the fan in new mexico

I've got it down to a science.

going to concerts
by yourself.
not lonely.













being by myself.
not scary.

yesyesno

Too many, too much this week.
I must plant my feet firmly on the ground, and then run.


I forgot that I'm kindof afraid of women...







Listening To: Bon Iver-Skinny Love

progress report:

This new outlook on life thing is working out alittle too well...
I have $1.50 to my name and coudln't be happier, it's weird.

[letting things go, giant sleepovers, grocery shopping
& getting my courage back]




Most of my classmates are great, but Kara & Amber are amazing.
As of this friday I'm halfway through my program with an A overall.
(holy shit!!)



listening To: Lost A Girl-NYPC

(The Missing Piece Meets The Big O)

can't wait to have insurance.

bron·chi·tis   
–noun Pathology .
acute or chronic inflammation of the membrane lining of the bronchial tubes, caused by respiratory infection or exposure to bronchial irritants.
aka: a cough that has lasted over 3 weeks


it cost this much to find that out.

august already?

Sometimes you just need a day with your Mother
an amazing movie to fill your brain with
a new pair of peggings (two sizes smaller than your last!)
a new outlook on things
a few friends that remember it's bros before ho's
a sudden fondness for school
a movie night to look forward to
and of course, music.

Go hug your pet, dance naked, and sing at the top of your lungs.
The other day I remembered that im 22, it was a great wake up call.

what's next

I feel like this is the time when people either turn to or discover something to fill the void in there life.

What should it be....
drugs?
smoking?
hard drugs?
alcohol abuse?
meaningless sex with strangers?
jesus?
suicide?
heterosexuality?


neh...
I'll just go back to always wishing I was in bed but never really being able to sleep when I'm in it.
That and school...

Damn I really wish I had a vice sometimes.

Back on the block, really nothing but talk.

Back by demand
Do whatever you can
You look older I can tell by your hands
Drinks only gin, says it's how to keep thin
And she’s crying after every meal
No you don’t know how you’re making me feel

Tell her that I just can’t go on
Tell her that there’s just something wrong

Summer Part I

Part II

Part III

Part IV

Part V

Part VI

Part VII

But all I want is winter and spring back.

07062010

I'm left with the dirty sheets and a dirty feeling.
You're left with the girlfriend and a mind full of fear.








(I wish I could buy back, the woman you stole)

cinderellie

Depression apparently leads to cleaning, clean my room all day yesterday.
Cleaned a friends place today, I wonder what I'll do tomorrow?
Oh right clean the closet.

fml.

It's beyond me.

I guess I should have seen it coming the whole time, how were we not doomed really?
But this? I would have expected so much more from us that what we've become.

Every time you said you wanted just me, I knew it was a lie.
Every time you said things with us were different, I knew it was a lie.
Every time we fucked and you said you wanted only me to do it, my ears would burn with the lies.
I know I'm replaceable, it's OK.

But still, I never would have predicted this.
Slowly drowning, letting the water fill your lungs. You don't mind, your 21 with a girl on your arm and a bar to be in when the sun goes down. Shattered by the life around you your now focusing on surrounding yourself with things. Trinkets almost, unimportant machines, but oh how they make you feel better. You want your food handed to you by a stranger, never a home cooked meal. You want your nights surrounded by little glasses with black straws, each one making you feel a tiny bit better. No one can really handle the truth these days and I'm not far behind you on that.

I mean who am I?
I could never compete, I'm just a "student" who likes nature and the harshness of reality.
I could never compete, a thin hairless thing with a car?
I just have these legs, my love and all the fur that come along with it.

I can't be too jealous, obviously she's a fucking idiot if she can't see everything.
Drive your car some more and tell yourself its just her being a wild 21 year old. Ignore her demons, we cant do anything about them anyways.
And I can't cry too much, I wanted someone to make me feel utterly useless and lost. Wish granted.

I could never complete you, you can't even complete yourself.
From one girl, to the next, to the next, to the next, to the next, to the next....

Every action has a reaction.
Not this time.




Can't wait to hear the news.

Fight or Flight.

Ive never feared being alone, it's just not in my nature. I wake up alone, I fall asleep alone (minus the Rubby Ru) The empty space in my bed never made me feel incomplete or sad, having company was always that much more exciting when it's sporadic.

Blame it on the only child thing but I like it all.
I like coming home and enjoying the silence, I like taking walks by myself, I even like being trapped inside my head. I don't need attention or approval to be happy, good company is a beautiful and rare thing to find. I want to enjoy it but most importantly enjoy myself.

hmmm...

Less, Less, Less.

When did women become so much work? They're exhausting.
I'm exhausted.

I miss the days of genuine friendships and people actually caring for one another. Now every things covered with liquor and lies.

Steps backwards, steps in any direction, I still feel like I'm in the same place. With you, and everyone else.



I'm sticking with nature.

Keep It Going.

Maybe someday I'll understand the obsession and why my brain is such a big fan. But I'm not all too worried about that right now.

I miss them both.

nostalgia's a bitch

(trying not to let it bog me down)
it's failing. miserably.

Rubby Ru

you.are.perfect.
never.change.

One Saturday.

last night you wanted in my bed,
and today we're not even friends.